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[21 Jan 2002|11:19pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I hate feeling like everything in my life is chaotic, and its my fault.

I can't stand it.

I hate feeling sorry for myself.

I hate making stupid, whining, meaningless posts, too...

I hate procrastination..

But I do all of that crap....I need a New Week's Resolution.


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[10 Jan 2002|08:04pm]
I hate, hate HATE how I let this person string me around...I hate how he makes me feel like I NEED him. I appreciate the conversation we share, but I feel like I've become addicted to that...for 2 weeks, he showered me with compliments about how intelligent and amazing I was...the attention he gave was UNBELIEVABLE...and, I liked it. But, him being like me, had to retreat because things were getting a little too...intense, I guess. I hadn't reached that point yet...I just want to speak to him.

I'm pathetic, no?
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[05 Jan 2002|10:41pm]
It's too funny how the person I'm interested in has no romantic feelings towards me whatsoever, BUT he feels the same way about another girl as I do about *him*...and I, being the good friend, listen and absorb it all and smile like everything's cool but it's really not. It's *anything* but cool.

The other thing that isn't cool is that...I KNOW that this guy is not right for me. My head knows it, at least. It's because he is the first person I've connected with on this type of level, and I just want to *cling*...but, I think I'm slowly realizing that it just wouldn't work out. Damn those emotions..
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[05 Jan 2002|10:32pm]
I've been getting alot of use out of my *other* journal, lately...

Nothing beats the pen and paper...this I truly believe. Sure, its easy enough to type, it takes less time, too...*however*...you know when you're really upset about something, it shows up in your handwriting? I can't stand being upset, typing, and having ALL my letters be the same size, the same space apart...its mocking, in a sense...I need to scribble when I'm mad, write in big loopy handwriting when I'm happy, and draw pictures when I feel like it.

I like crossing things out, too...the backspacing really gets to me, because its just *gone*...like I never even made a correction. I like seeing that I make mistakes, and that I recognize them, and that I *remember* them...it's not perfect.

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[04 Jan 2002|07:44pm]
Shouldn't I be writing my college essay?

YES, I should. Its not that I *can't*, I just don't know if I want to...go to college next year. The more I talk to others and think about it, the more I feel it would be great to take a year off. Well, I'm applying to 4 schools, and if I don't get into my first choice, it would be so much easier for me to take the year off. My parents are extremely against it...I'm first generation in this country, and they just...can't fathom the idea of me *not* going to college right after HS. But, this is something that I'm going to do because I feel its right for me...well, we'll see fireworks come springtime, that's for sure.
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[31 Dec 2001|01:10am]
[ mood | calm ]

I have had a *wonderfully* relaxing vacation...undoubtedly the best yet. I didn't go anywhere, or do much of anything...yet, I *did*...I guess in doing nothing and just relaxing with the family, I got a chance to reorient myself...I feel alot more...in tune, now. I feel that I can go back to the chaos and craziness with some sense of direction~I know what I need to do, and I feel that I can do it. I feel very calm, for the first time in a *long* time...I've been reading alot, writing more, just sitting around and *being* instead of *doing* more. Its funny...we live in such a fast-paced world that people rarely take the time to just stop and take it all in...

I feel as if I'm getting obsessed with a certain person...it bothers me, because he *is* a good friend, but I constantly need to speak with him, and just know that he's there. Strange, no? Its difficult for me to connect with people on anything more than a superficial level...so when I find people with whom I can create a tight bond, I make that bond *extremely* tight...like I need that person's energy to feel complete. It's scary, and I need to get that under control...yes.

Now, I just need to sit down and write my essays and my stories for the paper, and I'll be *fine*.

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[24 Dec 2001|11:08pm]
I just recieved my *first* poem written entirely for me, about me...from an *interest* of mine. I'm not one to get giddy, but I'm seriously giggling incessantly right now...I don't believe myself...nothing says Merry Christmas like passionate literature...damn.
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[22 Dec 2001|09:00pm]
What would I do without those people who just *drag* me out of the abyss of my self-loathing...I'm a lucky girl.
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I wish I could understand... [22 Dec 2001|08:55pm]
I wish I could understand my father.

I wish I knew why he is the way he is...why his life is so much nothing. Why he likes to take his negativity and make me feel guilty...why he hasn't come to terms with his past.

He claims that I *dwell* on the past. I don't. I'm trying to come to terms with why I am the way I am. He doesn't understand that. He thinks "forgetting the past" is the way to go. I tried to tell him that it will just haunt you...he doesn't get that either.

I don't understand...at all. He's a good man, but he has so many issues...I want to help, but I don't know how. He's extremely defensive...all of his character "flaws" are reflected in his judgements of other people...he'll say I'm bitter, when its really him who is bitter...it upsets me. He just said that he "won't regret whatever happens" to me. What does that mean? I don't know...I don't understand. Anything.
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I can get down and *cry*... [14 Dec 2001|12:00am]
Tonight was...amazing. I emceed this hot spoken word poetry night...I've never seen such diverse people come together...it inspired me in *so* many ways...I learned so much...I met a beautiful guy, Michael, who had some *amazing* poetry...like "damn that blew me away" poetry... ;) I hooked up with some cool people who are starting up a spoken word *club*...I LOVE this! ok, enough gushing about the night...oh, I looked pretty cute too ;)
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Making a big baby step... [12 Dec 2001|05:16pm]
I told my guidance counselor that I might take a year off after high school....he was suprisingly open to the idea. My guidance counselor is like my dad....or, an uncle, I guess...so I'm glad I have his "approval." It means alot to me, just to have 1 person backing me up, because the war with the parents is sure to be intense...whatever. I have time to talk to them about that. It feels really good to be able to make such a huge decision like this...very exciting ;)
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[10 Dec 2001|11:04pm]
[ mood | good ]

I want to feel...beautiful. Not aesthetically. I just want to be able to embody things in the world that *I* find beautiful...poetry, laughter, confidence...

I want to get back to writing, but I make myself feel like I have no time. Stupid excuses...I hate them!

I'm hosting a spoken word night this Thursday...I'm hoping there will be an awesome turnout. I've never done something like this before, but I know that I *can* do it. It will be an experience, to say the least.

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::smile:: [08 Dec 2001|02:19pm]
I start drumming class today...I've been wanting to do something like this for the longest, but putting it off...so, the other day I said "Shit, I need to do something FUN for a change." And, I signed up. Everyone needs balance. I invited a friend of mine, Gabriella...from the beginning she's been really skeptical about going...I hope she doesn't bring that negativity with her...it won't be a good thing. At all. I took the ACTs today. I've never felt so suffocated in a room before...don't the have rules against packing people in like that?

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Hmmm [07 Dec 2001|09:53pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Yeah, I know. I left my Livejournal abandoned in the rain. Well...no excuses. But, I have returned. And, I'm confused. Is it *wrong* to state that I am a minority? My economics teacher believes that by saying I'm a minority in this country, I'm saying that i'll never "be equal". What? I'm stating that I am a racial minority. That is all. I don't understand that man. He's one of those people that tries to say anything related to your race so that he appears "in the know". Check this out: The first day we met, he tells me about his first experience seeing a black person. "Mom, why are they darker than me?" This was supposed to be comical. I didn't take offense, but it was just a DUMB thing to say. You know the type.

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"fair is foul + foul is fair..." [16 Nov 2001|08:59pm]
I've been gone awhile, I know. *Sigh* But, I'm back. Everything....is flowing. Which is good. I'm working on this huge cheating documentary for the newspaper...trying to get the application stuff ready...yeah. All that jazz. I just want *out* of high school...damn.

The things that I have always been so passionate about...are slipping.

Is the *real* world as competitive as all this HS crap?
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Ok. [31 Oct 2001|10:27pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

Yeah, I haven't been doing this journal justice. I apologize to it, and all who are wondering what's up. Senior year of high school...the most stressful, annoying time for me. I just want *out* of it, and I feel like I'm already out, and you know that can't be good when it comes to grades..I hate grades. I hate numbers, I hate being seen as a number, or a series of numbers...intense competition bothers me...I see myself getting caught up in stuff like class rank...ugh. Its ridiculous, and it almost strips the joy of learning from me...well, that's life, I guess. I have no time to do *anything*...and it bothers me that every time I want to write, at all...I just *can't*. I can't pick up a pen, or even come online...nothing comes out. And..I've been so damn *tired* lately. Usually I just get a little drowsy around 8 am, but then I'm fine for the rest of the day...but lately I've been getting so tired that I can't even do homework...after 1, I'm just out of it...I can hardly drive...I'm thinking I need to go see a doctor. Hm.

Ooooh. Michael Jackson's new CD...get it. Just get it.

I have so much that I need to get out, but its just not going to flow right now. Later.

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*It's been awhile... [08 Oct 2001|09:07pm]
I know..but, alot of craziness has been going on. I have been reading everyone else's journals, but I just haven't been feeling the urge to *write* at all lately, which is completely atypical. When alot of pressure hits me, I react to it by shutting down..completely, for a while. Then I readjust myself.

Saturday night..was amazing. I met someone...I'm so afraid to talk about what happened for fear of desecration...if anything more does come out of this, I'll be writing much, much more. Only time can tell.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to find a senior quote. I don't know where to start...

I had this heart-to-heart with a friend of mine last night...and, he said something that really struck a cord in me..."I don't have any "black" black friends.." And immediately he knew that he had said something not cool...even though I knew what he was trying to say, it just didn't come out right. At all. And, I've had issues with other blacks telling me I wasn't "black enough", so of course I had to go on this big rant about it. He's Vietnamese, and his parents are extremely ethnocentric..although he isn't, I see alot of their influence in him. Or maybe I'm too defensive...
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[24 Sep 2001|06:53pm]
I hate it when I blow up little things and I become obsessed with them... I'm *so* hard on myself when it comes to the way other people see me, and I HATE that.

I'm thinking about taking a year off from school.

I haven't really told anyone..my parents would not go for it. That's a given. Because I'm not the "typical student" who can take a year off. My life has to be streamlined, so that everything is just there and I don't have to think about "what's next?", right?

I'm having feelings...feelings like I'm lost. I don't know quite what I want to do...but more importantly, I'm not even very comfortable with myself at this point. I underestimate myself all the time, I sell myself short...I don't even know if taking a year off before college will be beneficial...if I'm doing something productive, yeah. But, who knows what will happen. I wish someone would just tell me all the right answers, and tell me what to do, like the past 12 years of my life. Damn. I don't really want that, because I love freedom. But, I'm also not used to it and I'm afraid.

Can't win.
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[21 Sep 2001|08:25pm]
I need to get over this cold.

I'm so skeptical about all of this war business. People are dead. True. Our country is trying to turn this into a heroic mission...first it was a war, now, what are they calling it? "Operation Infinite Justice." Gimme a break. We're going to war for years. We're trying to completely eradicate terrorism from the world. How? Who knows. Maybe I'm self-centered.
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*sigh* [12 Sep 2001|08:17pm]
[ mood | drained ]

Ok. My friend is fine. Just by a miracle...my friend forgot to set his alarm clock, so he was late for work...on his way there by foot he saw it all happen. Its so surreal. And, I'm normally a very paranoid person....but now, I'm just so on edge. My brother dropped a huge ass book on the floor and I jumped from the bed and rolled on the floor and I just got this feeling of complete terror...It angers me that I have to feel this way in the places where I should feel relatively safe...it just blows my mind. Two friends of mine are *missing* as of now..but, I don't feel that way. I don't know how I feel. Its just crazy. I wish..I don't know. I'm so terrified, and I hate feeling this way...I just have a bad feeling...like I couldn't go anywhere and be safe. I hope everyone is coping well. people falling from windows, people being sucked out of the windows, a man and a woman jumping together, holding hands...so much more. I can't comprehend it. I just can't. It's 8 oclock but it feels like 11:30. Ugh.

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